He passed away on January 23rd and I only found out yesterday.
I am so upset it's unreal. I never met him, only watched his videos on TGWTG.com but I keep thinking about it and re-watching some of the videos of his that I had downloaded. The tears are sporadic but flow like a river.
For the past few hours I have been trying to figure out why his death was so distressing when I only knew him through online video reviews of games and movies.
I think I finally have some answers.
A. I have discovered that he suffered from depression, something I can relate to because I am being treated for depression myself, a condition I have had since I was a teenager. Contrary to popular belief, depression is not just "Oh, I'm feeling so down today." it's a complex chemical deficiency, and a destructive mental illness that can affect every aspect of your life. It can warp your view of yourself and can cause such a huge existential crisis that some people feel they'd be doing the world a service by removing themselves from it. On the flip side, it can often make you outwardly bubbly and outgoing because you either don't want anyone to worry about you or because you feel like you have to be strong for those around you.
B. I cannot stop picturing the circumstances of his death. Maybe I have too vivid an imagination. I close my eyes and I can picture it; the mental anguish he must have felt and the aftermath for his wife and family. The image won't leave me alone.
C. It reminds me of a time when I didn't want to live anymore, but there was always a voice that stopped me from doing anything about it. I wonder what would have happened without that voice and wish that voice had also reached Justin as it had me all those years ago. Like some weird kind of survivors guilt.
D. It has reminded me of my own mortality and the mortality of those around me; my husband, my parents, my friends. All the loved ones in my life that could suddenly be taken from me. It's terrifying.
I wish to send my sincere condolences and heartfelt thoughts to Justin's wife, family and friends. I cannot possibly imagine the pain they are going through right now.
But most of all I send my love to Justin. He must have been trapped in one hell of a storm, but hopefully now he is at peace, eating pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes in heaven with James Avery.
Below is a link to a GoFundMe page, raising money for Justin's widow. Please donate a few dollars if you can.
Soulie out x